What an Odd Little Word

I walked up the dirt path that lead to the front door of the girls’ house.. I looked to my left and I saw the half built playground full of children playing on it, despite safety regulation. Above the hot sun beating down on us. Looking around, I felt so heartbroken. How could I ever leave such a place? This is my home. “ Lord, I don’t want this. This pain. Take it from me.” I say this but I know deep down I had asked God to feel this pain. I had asked Him months ago to allow me to feel everything. It’s hard to feel truly joyful if all my emotions are numb. I just forget sometimes how much pain someone can truly feel. Not even physical pain or super close emotional pain. But simply the pain of confusion. Why would God attach these people to my heart if I’m only to pull away and try to give of myself in a whole new place (Thailand)?? The thought feels unbearable at times. Of course, a part of me knew this was going to happen. 

The devastation and price of love.. what an odd concept. I have yet to fully learn what this looks like. There is so much joy to be found in the word love. However, opposites attract. Love. On one side we feel defeat, pain, and loss. But on the other side there is a whole new peace and joy. But true love, is balanced. It is constant. Not always a simple feeling or emotion. Sometimes we have to choose to love. Love is a choice. And though I knew leaving Cambodia would be hard, I still chose to come on this trip. And I still chose to be vulnerable and love with all I have. And as I head into Thailand, I am going to choose to love them with all I have. Though leaving will be just as hard as it is now, I don’t think I’d ever choose it any other way. Every little moment I’ve shared here in this place, has been woven into my very being. Every time I think of their beautiful and goofy smiles, I will look back and know, God was here. And I will have an assurance that God is here. Even if I’m not. 

God answers prayer. I know He does. Sometimes I just wish I could have His perspective on things. How is living here for only one month of my life beneficial to the rest of my life? Perhaps it’s a lesson for working with foster children.. giving all I have, knowing there’s a chance in a split second everything can change and I might lose the ones I hold most dear. Or maybe it’s a lesson on making the most of everyday even if it’s hot out.. or maybe it’s simply to learn the value of worship.. and what worship looks like in everyday life. Knowing it’s not just a guitar and some songs. Knowing I can still worship God, even while grooming a horse, or cleaning stalls. Maybe it’s God revealing to me how much He truly gives to love us, even when we turn away… He gave all Of Himself. He doesn’t give himself in pieces, nor does He hide His ace to tease us.. Perhaps I’m here simply to learn of His unfailing love, and what it looks like to give of themself.. 

What a thing it is to have a God. A Creator. A Love that never ends. A companion in everything. For even when no one around me understands, He does. He walks with me. What an incredible thing that is.. He walks with me. He sits beside me. He watches over me. Perhaps I was her to see Jesus in person. Every smile, or act of service I’ve seen, I saw Jesus in that person. I saw Him.