" Love is patient.
Love is kind.
It does not envy.
It does not boast."
I have read this passage throughout my life countless times. However, every time I look back at it, I seem to learn something new. I have been home from Asia for about 3 weeks now. Almost an entire month. I won't lie, transitioning has been difficult at times. Coming home didn't feel as weird as I thought it would. At least, thats how it was the first week. Home is home. No matter how long I am away, its all familiar. I've seen i all before. Yet, as I started to get back into the swing of things, I realized I can never go back to the way things were before I left. Yet the first two weeks back all I wanted was to just go back. Go back to when I thought I was thriving. Back to the girl I was last November. However, thats not how life works. As great as my time in Asia was, I felt it was best to push it to the side. Step back into life as if nothing happened. But it did happen and it was an incredible journey and blessing from God. So, now I am here, trying to combine these two lives into one. But I guess that's the things. It's all a part of one life. And one day when I am thirty, I can openly tell the kids at youth group, that when I was nineteen I spent three months in Asia. I will get to tell them that life is short and to take those chances. But most of all, accept what God has for you. If God asked me to sty in Asia would I have stayed? In all 100% honesty, my answer is yes. But it took a long time for me to get to this place. Before, my answer would have been that the IDEAL plan would be to do horse ministry here in the summer, and go to Asia in the winter months. That's what would make me happy. The best of both worlds, right? Yet as I am experiencing this transition, I am finding that when I try to do things on my own, they don't actually turn out that great. You're probably thinking, really Brooke? It took you twenty years to figure this out? Geez. And . well. Ive told myself the same thing. Many times. On my trip, I learned a lot. But there are several highlights for the top things I have learned. And today's highlight is forgiveness. Not of others, but forgiving myself. I had set up all these standards for the person I thought I was supposed to be, and when I fall short of these self made standards, I get upset. My team told me this countless times. But the best word picture I have for this is what my leader told me that last week in Thailand. I was telling her how I was so frustrated with myslef, just when I thought I conquered something, it came back. I felt stuck like I hadn't grown at all. She told me that life is sometimes like a record player. And in my mind I thought spinning in circles. "YES!" EXACTLY. That's how I felt . I was going in circles always coming back to the same things. But she said, " you misunderstand. everytime the needle goes around, it's one step closer to the center." I sat and thought for a second and she continued to tell me how everytime we go around that circle, eveytimewe learn something from a situation and come right back to it, we are more equipped to withstand the trials. We are one step closer to being the person Christ desires us to be.
When I came back, thinking I could go back to who I was, I struggled knowing I never could. But I came to this place where I realized how in many ways, this trip has helped me be better for what God has me doing now: horse ministry. I feel like I really can connect with kids on a whole new level now and it's opened a lot of new doors for me. I do miss my kids in Cambodia and Thailand. But, I have to remember they aren't mine. They are His. And they are safe in His arms. And so, now I am here, back on the farm. Branding cattle and training horses. Filling water buckets and cleaning stalls. If theres one thing I've learned this past year, it's looking for all thse little lessons in everyday life. Looking for the ways in which God reveal His love for us in the ordinary… These last few weeks observing and serving, I've learned how crazy it is the things you can learn about God while on the farm. Working with my horse, Grace, God brought me back to His loving arms and He taught me that love is an action word. Yet here I am learning about love again. Not technically on the mission field.But in a grassy one. Here are some of the things I have seen these past few weeks. I'll explain how they affected me here in a moment. I saw, my dad cuddle a calf right before branding. I saw my mom struggle to pull our dairy cow into the milking stand. I saw my sister take over and do the dishes willingly. I saw my other sister surprise my family with a visit for graduation. I saw how God revealed Himself to a friend while I was gone. I saw answered prayer. I saw my dad rescue a hummingbird. I saw my confidence fail when I got near the horses..I saw myself daily want to give up. I saw pictures of children's smiling faces I dont know if I'll ever see again. I saw my horse throw her head. I saw her angry and I saw our farrier treat her with dignity and gentleness.
Through all of this, today I was finally able to put all my thinking into words. People often get the words timid and shy confused with gentle and patient. By people I really me "I". In high school, I was always known as a shy and "nice" girl. Yet in my heart I was not very kind at all. I struggled with a great many things, yet the Lord still showed His mercy to me. When I had gained a new confidence, in Christ, I saw that my heart had changed. I truly did want the best for others rather than just saying it. But I was not very patient. I grew in many ways but gentleness was not something I was familiar with. My horse Grace, is my barrel horse. She and I have done a lot together but when I came bcak, I didn't recognize her. Her attitude was just awful. In my mind I'm thinking " great, it's back to the round pen". And yes, we will do some work in the round pen, that doesn't mean I have tp be upset or let my emotions feed off of hers. It just means we have work to do. It isn't bad. Kind of like a record, here we are, back to the basics of our relationship together. Yet, I have to accept that change is not overnight. I need to be diligent with my work, but that doesn't mean work myslef to death each day for a result I won't see unless I clear my vision. Now, as I was saying, the other day, my dad caught a hummingbird. It was very weak but kept trying to fly away and escape my dad's hands. Yet dad held it's wings down nice and firm. Much like how God holds us. Firm. Yet, gentle as not to hurt us. When holding a bird, you much hold it's winds down, but you dont want to crush it. In the third grade, I held a robins egg in school. They said t be careful and hold it tight. And tightly hold it I did. CRACK! I held it to harshly and broke it. God holds us with a firm hand yet is so gentle. How can that be? Perhaps, we define strength and gentleness as polar opposites when really, the two must compliment each other. Picking the horses hooves I can be harsh and poke it's side and pick that legs so fr it kicks themselves, or I cant hold it with a firm hand, but at a level they are comfortable at. Well, maybe not comfortable but a place that there is less pain and annoyance. God is a good good shepherd. We hold the wings of the hummingbird down so we can feed and help restore its health. Just like we pick horses hooves to remove stones. SOmetimes, God places us in a situataion that seems uncomfortable. Sometimes we stay in sin because we dont like to have that leg picked up. But just remember, God has your best interest at heart. He is patient. He is not timid. He is kind. He is not shy. He is strong, and He is steadfast. He not merely "nice". He is not easily moved to anger. He is not polar opposites. He does not contradict Himself. I truly hope at least a part of this makes some sense. Have a wonderful night.
With all the love in the world, B
